Okay, deep breaths! I think I am ready to talk a little bit about what has been going on in my life lately. As I have vaguely mentioned in past posts, this has been a rough time for me. I had to take a step back from blogging because I have always tried to be very honest during the last 5 years since I started Run Inspired. I didn’t know how to write about my life, my family, and my running without writing about what was going on. It was honestly hard to write my training recaps and about the marathon, and Kyler’s monthly updates, because everything was being affected by something I didn’t feel ready to talk about yet.
It has been a very difficult start to the new year. A couple weeks into 2016, things started to change in my household. My running got put WAY on the back burner, as seen in my training updates. I started really struggling to get my work done at school and within my coaching business. Certain people became absent from my pictures and my posts on social media. The reason for all of this was that my marriage suddenly fell apart. Kevin and I are now separated and he no longer lives with us. It all happened very quickly and left me feeling extremely broken. I don’t want to go into the details of what happened, but it has been devastating and heartbreaking on multiple levels.
I have a lot of extremely raw emotions that come and go as I work through this grieving process. It has been a roller coaster that goes up and down, between sadness, disappointment, anger, hope, hopelessness, exhaustion… and so on. Then in the middle of all of this I had to go run a marathon, and it was one of the most defining moments of my life. It was so much more to me than just a race. It was a chance for me to show my strength, independence and resilience. To show that I can do hard things, and that good things do come to those who work hard, stay positive, and don’t give up. It helped give me some of the strength and clarity that I needed to move forward.
Making the choice to continue to love, trust, and respect others when they have not given that to me in return has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But at the end of the day, I know that I need to do that for myself and more importantly my boys, to show them what it means to take the high road and to have good character. “Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart.” I refuse to let the actions of others destroy my heart.
The dust is starting to settle a bit, and I’m now adjusting to my new “normal.” My family and friends have been EVERYTHING to me during this time. I am seriously blown away by the support and love we have received. Luckily, Kevin has always been an amazing father and that has not changed. He is still very much around and a part of their lives, and I am thankful for that. I never expected this for our family and for our boys and while it breaks my heart, I’m glad that we can at least co-parent together for them.
Now that spring has begun and the world is coming to life again, I feel like I am starting to as well. Things at home are still very hard as I learn how to navigate as a single parent, but I’m taking it day by day. In “real life” I’ve been slowly telling people what is going on, usually in person, because it’s a lot to explain and the questions that I’m asked about it all are emotionally exhausting. I plan to spend the next year of separation before we are able to file for divorce focusing on myself, but most importantly my sweet boys.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I do plan to continue blogging about it. This space has been an amazing journal of the last 5 years of my life and I’m so thankful that I have it all documented. While I may not have as much time as I did before, it’s important to me to keep blogging about this journey. It will be interesting to see where I am a year from now and where life takes me. I’m ready for the next chapter.