I’m writing this post through voice text on my WordPress app while pumping. It’s 8:30 am and my students will be arriving in about 15 minutes. During my commute to work I couldn’t stop thinking about life lately and all the setbacks that I have experienced in the last few months. The last few months have been the happiest of my life, but also some of the most challenging. It seems like there’s been one thing after another – my fall while running that injured my knee, my struggles going back to work, milk supply and baby weight gain issues, my period returning and the stomach bug dropping my supply even more. I feel like as soon as things start going well and I get into a comfortable place, something else gets thrown at me. I was (and still do) get very down about these things at times. But I know the reason why they are happening is to teach me a lesson. I have always been an extremely Type A person. I like things planned and organized and I want things to go my way. I think that’s obvious here on the blog by all of the training plans I create and the races I sign up for. I’m learning that I cannot control everything, and this is so important to realize as a new mom. I think this is just the first of many lessons of motherhood. I am learning to let go of expectations and plans and not stress about things I can’t control. This sounds silly and obvious but it’s hard for me. It goes against my personality and everything I know.
I know in the grand scheme of things that the issues I’m having really are not that bad. I know it could be so much worse. I’m just reflecting right now on the lessons I am learning from all of these setbacks. I am learning to let go and accept not being in charge. I have to stop feeling guilty about not being able to provide enough breast milk for my baby. I have to accept that he needs more than I can give him and formula is ok. I need to get over the fact that I have to work and can’t stay home with him. I have to move on from the idea of running a full marathon right now when my body isn’t feeling 100%. I need to understand that when I make plans many times something will come up and I’ll have to change them. Most of all I need to realize that this is not something that’s going to go away and I need to get used to it. There are always going to be things that are out of my control, even when I try my best to avoid them. This post may not make much sense at all, and I’m not even going to reread it before I publish it. It’s honest and it’s raw and it’s just what’s on my heart right now. I hope some people out there can relate.